I am feeling generous today so I’ve decided to offer (for free, no less) some priceless wisdom to the few enlightened souls who read this blog. Today we’re going to learn HOW TO BECOME A FAMOUS TRAP RAPPER in five easy steps.
- Pick a name. All good rappers need an alias. Unfortunately if you want to become famous there are some restrictions on your nom de rap. You must be either a Lil X or a Yung Y, but can thankfully substitute literally any word in the dictionary for the second part of your name. For bonus points, throw in some weird capitalization or pointless punctuation to really set yourself apart. Some examples of good rising star trap rap monikers: Lil ssandWICH, Yung Gazebo, Lil $$$Oreo$$$, and Yung Receding Hairline. Don’t think about it too hard: the worse your name is, the more Youtube comments you’re sure to receive. And no measure of success is greater than this.
- Pick a gimmick. Hip-hop listeners in 2017 have no patience, so you need a lowest common denominator gimmick to stick in people’s heads. Some recent examples: Lil Yachty has red hair, Lil Uzi Vert has red hair, xxxTENTACION has yellow hair and is depressed (YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME, MOM), Lil Dickie is Jewish, Future drinks lean, Fetty Wap has one eye, and Gucci Mane goes to prison a lot. If you’re not imaginative enough to think of your own gimmick, just rip someone else’s. Die your hair blue, for fucks sake.
- Make a breakout single. No album or mixtape is required –in fact no lyrical skills at all. All you need is to come up with the dumbest, most infectious hook you possibly can, throw some rolling snare hits underneath it, slap some shitty sub-bass and trap synths on top and BOOM. Instant iTunes number one. As for the verses – just mumble unintelligibly about hoes money and guns until the hook comes around again. No one’s really paying attention, anyway. For inspiration, give a listen to any of the following: Desiigner’s ‘Panda’, Rich Gang’s ‘Lifestyle’, Migos’ ‘Versace’, or Youtube celebrity (ew) Jake Paul’s recent masterpiece ‘It’s Everyday Bro’.
- Spark bullshit controversy. Ok, now you’re kinda famous. Your song has some hits on Spotify, internet users are ironically spouting memes from your terrible music, and your gimmicky image is getting you noticed. But people won’t truly give a shit about you until you really annoy them, so the next step is to spark some clickbait controversy and spread your brand. Jump on a radio interview and do a deliberately terrible freestyle, say you think Soulja Boy is better than 2Pac, call someone famous a faggot on Twitter. All of the above will have your name trending on Worldstar and the front page of Youtube in no name. If you’re lucky, Pitchfork might even write a five page editorial on how you are the Next Big Thing.
- Release an album. This is by far the least important of all five steps. If you have successfully pulled off stages 1 through 4 then you are already hood famous, but to start really pulling in the money you need a record. It doesn’t really matter if said record is the biggest piece of trash hip-hop ever shat out: as long as people remember your name and gimmick, the money will come rolling in. For proof of this theory, just give a listen to Lil Yachty’s Teenage Emotions or xxxTENTACION’s 17, which are both so terrible they compel me to jump off a bridge and yet are somehow popular. And that’s all you need.
Congratulations! That’s it – you’re now a famous trap rapper. Make sure to bask in the fifteen minutes of fame you have left before the whole trap phenomenon implodes under the internal gravity of bad memes and pantomime fuckbois. Yung woodenman signing off.